As always, I am going to clarify that no matter what your sexual orientation is, having a friend to bounce ideas off of when looking to find a life partner is helpful. As your friend shares more about what they see you being drawn to, you will become more acutely aware of your own patterns. Be curious when you go on dates, be the observer, ask questions about the other person and then begin making conscious clear choices about whether this is someone you would like to see again. Find someone in your life that is on a similar path of looking for a life partner. Team up with them, get to know each others “red flags”, what qualities in a partner definitely do not work for you. It is so much easier when you have a trusted relationship to process with and to help you be honest with yourself. It is too easy for us to pull the wool over our own eyes and rationalize going after the same kind of partner over and over again…that same partner that does not get us what we want. Create this relationship with a friend this week and become one another’s dating guru.

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Now, here is the tricky part. You are dating someone, and they have most of the qualities that you are seeking, but you just do not find them attractive. There can be one of two things going on here and only you will be able to decide, or you can solicit a friend to help. The person is either truly not a fit for you, or you are not feeling attracted to the person because they possess the nice qualities you are seeking in a partner and this is foreign to you. Although it sounds strange, we can be repelled by the very type of person we claim to want to partner with. I believe that we are just not accustomed to feeling good with a partner because so often it has felt bad.

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When you decide to begin dating with a purpose of finding a life partner, sometimes it is difficult to know how much time to put into dating one person to find out if they are “right” or “wrong” for you. In past articles, I have talked about paying attention to your own “red flags,” but if the person does not have any “red flags,” how do you know if they are a fit for you or not. Discovering if someone is a fit for you can be tricky, thus so many divorces in our country. Creating a “wish list” of all the qualities you desire in a partner is key. Once you have this list, as you begin to date, even if you are wildly attracted to someone, see if they have the main qualities that you are looking for in a life partner. If they do not, muster up the discipline to walk away. Being only wildly attracted to someone does not make for a long term healthy relationship.

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As I was talking with my niece about her dating situation, she was sharing with me that a young man that she was dating had so many of the qualities that she was looking for, but it just did not feel right to her and she did not find him attractive. Understanding her background, helped me to ask her some pointed questions. I wanted to know that if she saw him on the street and knew nothing about him, would she find him handsome? I also wanted to know if he had done any self reflection work on himself and was a deep thinker. For the first question, she said “no” and the second question she was uncertain, but did not think he had the depth that she was looking for.

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Having a trusted, non-judgmental ally during this process is such a great way to help you notice your own patterns. My friend, Victoria, was also looking to find someone special in her life and doing this together was not only tremendously helpful but also fun. We were having conversations that were different from before. We were not dissecting our dates every move or judging them or worrying if they were going to call or not going to call, but we were helping each other to look objectively at the kind of man we were attracted to and if that would be healthy for us.

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